Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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