Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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