Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
