It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
