my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
