I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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