What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
