Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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