Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize