I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
