if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
