I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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