If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
