I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
