bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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