My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
