I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
