I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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