if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I am morally bankrupt
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
At least life still wants to fuck me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
