I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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