I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
