I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
