It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize