he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She bit a glass in half.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
