so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
