Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize