The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize