I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
