My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just had sex bonerless
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
