i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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