She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
