I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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