A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
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