Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
