also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I am one with the molecules
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
