mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
