Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
