I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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