Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
