no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
