I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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