I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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