i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
