it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
