Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Mom said you looked used
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
