I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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