I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
