I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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