i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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