If i come over, it means nothing
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
