I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
