accomplished twins. life is a go
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Text me some of your sweat
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize