:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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