How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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