Welp...herpes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
