TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
