My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
