he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
