Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
